three chapter to catch up

Dear, dear littlest world of mine.

I’ve been losing all my ability to write ever since I got into this medical school. Been a long time since the last post, but all of the sudden, I feel the urge to write.

I’ve been living a wonderful life for these past 3 years. I can’t be more grateful than what I have had in my life. Even if people ask me, even if I could change anything in my past, I wouldn't. God has made every single detail perfectly, for it's happiness, it’s sadness and everything beyond. For every laugh I heard, for every tear I dropped, everything is just perfectly planned by Him.

This long post is going to be in mixed languanges, and pardon me for every grammar mistaken. I have no time to correct, and too much excitement to write.

For the past three years of my medical school, I have seen and been in so many kind different situations. I have met people that I loved, I will always love, and I am in love with. I have met best friends, best men, and many things I have never imagined before. I’ve been the worst part of myself, also best I could be. I have taste the worst sin, also found a sanctuary of life. I found that as much as you grow up, you will realize that you cannot please everybody.

So cheesy yet it’s too fast to declare, since I am only 20. Twenty something.

Never in my life I feel so old, old as I am now. Not for my ages to be 1/5 century, but for my soul, my very old soul.

First chapter of this post, medschool life.

Medical school and its stuffs. Sucks, boring, fun, lively, enjoyable, memories, best friends, intrigue, haters, seniors, juniors, residents, co ass, supervisor, love, hate, tears, laugh, tired, party, happy, discussion, arguments, anatomy, brothers, crazy, challenging, him, her.

Those are few keywords I could barely remember when I think about med school life.

Kampus biru, they say. My days during preclinical life has been…………….. absurd. I actually was quite smart (or so they say) but lately I think, I am not. It’s a little regret in my mind that I didn’t spend my time well for studying during that time. If I were not so lazy, maybe I could find it easier nowadays to catch up. In clinical life, I am now rushing. While everyone else is walking, I am running just to reach them.

Sebuah penyesalan terhadap kemalasan dan keinginan masa remaja terhadap having fun yang berlebihan. I spent too much time to have fun. But the time you enjoy is not the time wasted. Jadi ga perlu terlalu menyesal untuk itu ya..

Disini saya menemukan sahabat-sahabat, dan menemukan apa sebenernya pertemanan itu. I used to think gather as much friends as I could. But in fact, ternyata kita hanya perlu beberapa orang untuk jadi sahabat. Sisanya sebagai teman, dan selebihnya sebagai relasi. Some friends told me that I was too naïve. Saya selalu jadi orang yang melihat sisi positif dari suatu hal, even if ternyata hal itu sebenernya negatif.

Serba salah, jadi orang yang seperti itu. Di satu sisi, life is much better dilihat dengan jendela positif. So easy, nobody hurt each other. Namun di sisi lain, ketika sebenarnya dunia ga seindah apa yang dilukiskan jendela kita, dan kita disadarkan akan hal itu. It hurts more. More than most people feel. Tapi, lagi-lagi, train your mind to see the positive in everything. Setelah mengalami hal seperti itu, saya disadarkan untuk benar-benar melihat. Memilah bahwa bukan semua orang yang kita kenal itu sahabat. Bahwa ada alasan bagi Path untuk membatasi hanya 150 orang saja yang bisa terhubung dengan setiap orangnya. She is my bestfriend, he also is my best friend. Those few people are also my closest friends. Others are my friends, and oh, I know those people!

Seniors, juniors… medschool always have it. Hirarki di dunia kedokteran memang ga akan ada habisnya. Tapi thank god, saya berada di tempat yang insyaallah, kemungkinan, paling suportif untuk hal-hal seperti itu. As long as we respect each other, sepertinya ga akan terlalu bermasalah. Dan untungnya saya juga bukan orang yang give a shit about juniors. Do whatever you guys like. I will help as much as I could, just don't disturb what I have, what belongs to me.

Di kampus ini juga saya menemukan teman sepermainan. Sahabat saya. He knows me the best. He always knows, even when he pretends he doesn't. The first time I met him, I never thought I was going to live a long journey and get involved in so many troubles with him.  He was just that guy who were looking so bored when everybody else looked exciting about getting into medschool. But then again, we never know what would happen in the future. So there we are, being bestfriend for almost 4 years, now. Never in my life I found a person that is so much like me, but yet so different. He’s one of few people that know me in my worst version, also in the best version of my self.

We were once get involved into something called love. But then again, god has His own methods and theory. No matter how matched you were, how happy you could be, if He disagree, then no one shall deny that. The only thing I can always hope is that we will always be a good friends. A best friend that remain.

The next chapter of my life. Abnon.

Abnon, changes my life. Completely changes my life. Not my self, but my life. I will always be Afiffa that you’ll find in a coffee shop reading Pramoedya Ananta’s. I will always be my self, but this, a little polish in my life. A cherry on top of my favorite green tea latte with whipped cream. And this is also what brings him, to me. (on the next chapter).

Menjadi bagian dari keluarga abnon adalah sebuah anugerah. (bahasanya…. ) But true, I found new family, best friends as best as I could ask (lebay banget). Here I found my closest girls, those girls that will definitely be there on my wedding day with whoever I am going to marry someday. Abnon has been a twist in my med school life, an escape of my daily routines. A new life, a new interest. Pengalaman yang didapatkan, luar biasa. Saya adalah orang yang sangat suka memperhatikan lingkungan sekitar. Membaca karakter orang-orang yang lalu lalang di depan saya. Setahun mengemban tugas, saya banyak mengenal karakter. Learning about how the system goes. How people act and react. Seeing how pretty faces are not always coming with pretty hearts. But also, seeing that how those beauties actually working very hard just to pay their studies, school, or just to buy cakes for their moms.

Seeing all the anomaly, all the intrigues, all the love and the laughs. Also counting all the tears that falling down. Sangat kompleks.

Joining this family, I cant be more grateful. I am what I am now, because of what I have been through with these and those people in my life.

Bicara soal abnon, ga akan ada habisnya. Let's meet up if you guys really want to know.

Let’s moving on, to the latest chapter of my life. Also my current favorite ;)

Why current?

I wont be naïve, to say forever and ever because seriously I don't know. What I know is, I have been in a situation that I can’t be more grateful. This stubborn, perfectionist afiffa is finally saying enough.

Ever since I was a kid, I always imagine myself living life in the movie. I was so inspired of Carrie Bradshaw and her life (who doesn't, anyway?). So many movies that I watch, which inspire me and my imagination.

He comes. All the way from I don't know where. With his not-so-interesting style. I didn't even notice on the first met. It’s crazy how stranger become the one you could ever ask. I always pray to God for someone that is bla bla bla. Every single detail of how I want that person would be someday. I know that nobody is perfect, so I will never have my list fulfilled. But then He heard my prayer. I found a person that is……

Dan seluruh anomali terjadi. Saat teman-teman terdekat mulai merasakan perubahan dari sikap saya. Afiffa yang keras kepala, afiffa yang egois, yang dominan. Yang independen, yang sepertinya ga akan pernah bisa submissive. Yang ini dan yang itu. Yang kini akhirnya terdiam, hanya bisa tersenyum. I am truly happy.

“The day will come
When my body is no longer exists
But in the lines of this poem
I will never let you be alone

The day will come
When my voice is no longer heard
But within the words of this poem
I will continue to watch over you

The day will come
When my dreams are no longer known
But in the spaces found in the letters of this poem
I will never tired of looking for you” 
― Sapardi Djoko Damono

a lot to write, a lot to tell, a little time i have. 

someday, even when things are not going as much as i want, i will always believe that He loves me so much He has planned every detail perfectly.

and what we all know, we're just humans.